Hurtful mother or loving mother?
|Ursula Mniszech with daughters (Photo credit: Wikipedia)|
Keerthika who blogs at Wealthy Matters always posts stuff that is relevant, succinct and useful. Her post on Mothering set me thinking today.
Why do most women of my generation have issues with their children and particularly with their daughters. What is it that makes the relationship so fractious? Is it that we expect our daughters to be better than ourselves? Or is it that we feel that as our children we have the right to say whatever we feel we want to them, unmindful of their sensitivities? Or is it just that our sons tend to turn a deaf ear to whatever is is we say and don’t bother while it is our daughters take things to heart?
Mothers and daughters have always had a love hate relationship. Mothers often expect their daughters to be their clones if not an improvement on the model. It doesn’t help that more often than not, daughters take after their fathers and know from a young age what makes daddies happy. So it makes mothering of daughters an even more difficult task. We want our daughters to be independent and self sufficient but we still want them to remain our little girls deep down inside. While we admire them for traveling all over the place on their own, we still worry for them and their safety.
As mothers we like to point out what we feel needs to be brought to a child’s notice even when the child is 60 years old but sadly, a 60 year old son will indulge his mother with a smile while a 60 year old daughter will give a cold hard look or snap back her irritation. As grown up daughters who are possibly better qualified and more independent than their mothers, they are expected to know it all or at least be prepared to know the consequences of their actions. But equally as mothers it is hard to completely cut the umbilical chord and even though there is an actual physical separation, the bonds that bind continue to do so, perhaps even getting tighter as the years go by.
Advancing age breaks down barriers and communication becomes easier with fewer subjects remaining taboo. However, that does nothing for making us more accepting of our mother’s criticism. After all a mother of all people is supposed to be unconditionally loving, ever forgiving and supportive, nurturing, mentoring and her best cheerleader. But why does a mother’s suggestion become a barb or her observation a catty remark?
Keerthika’s post reaffirmed my faith that children need don’t need their mothers to be their friends – they have plenty of those. They need a mother who is a mother and I’m glad to know that when my children say they hate me, I’m an effective mom.